> Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar
>
> December 1
> Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn
> upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
>
> December 2
> Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
> answering machine.
>
> December 3
> Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion
> cat-o-nine-tails; Flog Gardener.
>
> December 4
> Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
>
> December 5
> Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
>
> December 6
> Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
>
> December 7
> Debug Windows '95
>
> December 8
> Decorate homegrown Christmas tree with scented candles handmade
> with beeswax from my backyard bee colony.
>
> December 9
> Record own Christmas album complete with 4-part harmony and all
instrument
> accompaniments performed by myself. Mail to all my friends and loved >
ones.
>
> December 10
> Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
>
> December 11
> Lay Faberge egg.
>
> December 12
> Erect ice-skating rink in front yard using spring water I bottled myself.
> Open for neighborhood children's use. Create festive mood by hand
making
> snow and playing my Christmas album.
>
> December 13
> Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters,particularly for >
decorative pie crusts.
>
> December 14
> Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
>
> December 15
> Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires >
are shot out at mall.
>
> December 17
> Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
>
> December 19
> Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same
height
> when sitting at his or her a assigned seat.
>
> December 20
> Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to
add a
> festive sparkle to the pasture.
>
> December 21
> Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon
> sticks.
>
> December 22
> Float votive candles in toilet tank.
>
> December 23
> Seed clouds for white Christmas.
>
> December 24
> Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in
> last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less
> inadequate than they really are.
>
> December 25
> Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with
> homemade potpourri.
>
> December 26
> Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
>
> December 27
> Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
>
> December 28
> Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
>
> December 29
> Hand sew 365 quilts, each using 365 material squares I weaved myself
used
> to represent the 365 days of the year. Donate to local orphanages.
>
> December 30
> Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with olive >
branches, to signify desire of world peace.
>
> December 31
> New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each
time
> zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.